As usual my life is like an anime. Case in point I used to work for “the craziest white man that ever lived”; his words not mine. This man is a farmer. For the entirety of this post lets call him Epic Farmer. While working with Epic Farmer my main job was to install barbwire fences. I did other things too but this was the vast majority of my job. When I first met him I just thought he was just an old farmer who liked to talk a lot. I did not know how epic this man really was. After about 3 days his actions began to change my perception of him very quickly. One day as usual me and another person is installing fences. Then, from a far distance off I seen a car moving very slowly. Keep in mind we are not on the road. We are in the middle of a bunch of farm land. Well that car is the bosses car. Me and the person with me knew his car. While continuing to work I ask the other person with me [Lets just call him Black Magic] “Why is the boss driving so slow?” Black Magic says he doesn’t know. After a couple minuets Epic farmer arrives in all of his epic-ness.
Epic Farmer: Hey, I had to make sure ya’ll aint sleep’in
Epic Farmer: Yea. I caught the two that worked here before you sleeping
Me: [Thinking to myself] That’s why he was creeping up on us. I wonder if he know you can’t hide a car in a field.
Black Magic: Nah, we aint sleep’in. We working.
Epic Farmer: Good, keep it that way.
[Some time passes]
Epic Farmer: Hey, tighten this fence. [a part about 10 feet long.]
Me: We did
Epic Farmer: You guys tighten this fence?
Black Magic: Yea, we went all the way down that way.
Epic Farmer: All the way down?! This fence is just as floppy as my dick. Tighten it again. [For those who don’t understand the joke here theres a reason why really old men need Viagra to “stiffen up”]
Me: [Shocked while trying not to laugh]
Black Magic: Hahahahaha Ok
[time passes – Epic farmer leaves]
Me: [whispering to Black Magic] Wow, I didn’t expect that.
Black Magic: Yea, Epic Farmer is funny. He’ll say anything.
[Work day ends. We go find Epic farmer]
Epic Farmer: Did you guys tighten the fences
Me and Black Magic: Yea we did.
Epic Farmer: Good, the last thing I need is a floppy dick fence. If the cows get out I’ll call Black Magic at 11 o’clock at night and he’ll chase cows down the highway.
Black Magic: I don’t want that. I want to sleep.
Epic Farmer: This is like base ball. 3 strikes and your out. I’m going to check the fence while your gone.
Me: Ok, we’ll see ya tomorrow
[Next day at work]
Me: Hey Epic Farmer
Epic Farmer: YAY! No floppy dick fence!
Me: Haha, of course not
Epic Farmer: I thought about calling Black Magic last night at 11 to scare him.
Black Magic: No, don’t do that.
Epic Farmer: I was hoping they get out. It would have been funny to see a cow case you down the highway.
Black Magic: He might have called for real if they did…
That was the day that “old farmer” became “Epic Farmer.” We’re working so a lot of times nothing interesting happens but given the opportunity Epic farmer will capitalize. This one day we were about to go on lunch break and we just so happen to meet up with Epic Farmer.
Epic Farmer: What are you doing?
Me: We’re going on lunch break
Epic Farmer: Break?!
Me: Yea, its 12.
Epic Farmer: It’s 12 already?
Epic Farmer: I tell ya, you got it made
Me: I got it made?
Epic Farmer: I wish I got breaks
Me: Haha, what are you talking about? You own the place. You can take a break whenever you want.
Epic Farmer: Back in high school when I used to play football we had no breaks.
Epic Farmer: We didn’t have water either. When everyone got thirsty we drank sweat from the towels we used to wipe off with.
Me: How can you drink that? It probably tastes horrible.
Epic Farmer: When your thirsty it don’t matter how sweat taste
On another occasion yet again something else happen which I though was funny. Let me explain. Epic Farmer is hard of hearing which isn’t funny but this one time the way things played out this conversation was hilarious. Here’s the setting. Me and Black Magic are working with Epic Farmer. Black Magic had to go get some tools from the truck which was about 100-200 yards away. Epic Farmer didn’t know where he was going. We were doing some pretty hard work that day so Black Magic didn’t want to walk all the way back to Epic Farmer just to tell him he’s going to the truck.
Epic Farmer: Black Magic, Where you going?!
Black Magic: I’m going to the truck to get some tools!
Epic Farmer: You going to far!
Black Magic: I got to get the tools!
Epic Farmer: what?
Black Magic: The tools are in the truck!
Epic Farmer: stop come back!
Black Magic: I’m coming right back!
Epic Farmer: Whats did you say?
Black Magic: I’m coming right [interrupted]
Epic Farmer: You are TOO… FAR!
Black Magic: I got to [interrupted again]
Epic Farmer: TO FAR!
Black Magic: The tools [interrupted again]
Epic Farmer: COME BACK! I CANT HEAR YA!
Me: [Dying of laughter]
Epic Farmer: What did he say?
Me: [Still laughing] He’s going to get some tools out of the truck
Epic Farmer: What tools? They’re all here.
Me: I don’t know. I guess he needs something.
Epic Farmer: BLACK MAGIC, COME BACK
Black Magic: I need the tools!
Epic Farmer: I CAN’T HEAR YA!
Black Magic: NEVER MIND!
Epic Farmer: What?! The tools are here!
This conversation kept on going for about 5 minuets. Then Black Magic though of a great idea. He can walk while he’s talking. Epic Farmer can’t hear him from that distance anyway. Another time me and Epic Farmer were working around this house. His wife was upset some armadillos got into the flowerbed.
Epic Farmer’s wife: Some armadillos got into the flowerbed.
Epic Farmer: If he gets in there chase him out
Epic Farmer’s wife: I do but he keeps coming back
Epic Farmer: Then keep chasing him out
Epic Farmer’s wife: He comes in there at night too
Epic Farmer: ………..
Epic Farmer’s wife: The armadillo [interrupted]
Epic Farmer: Armadillo, Armadillo, I don’t care about the armadillo. I’m trying to work.
Epic Farmer’s wife: But he gets into the flowerbed.
Epic Farmer: Then shoot the armadillo!
Me: [Trying super hard not to laugh]
I do want to point out while this conversation was happening Epic Farmer was landscaping around his house because his wife asked him to. I don’t think he was being mean to her. He really just didn’t care at the time.
Oh, one last thing. Epic Farmer has the ability to throw a quarter up into the air and shoot that quarter before it hits the ground. Criminals beware Epic Farmer don’t miss.